(Project for Victims of Family Violence, Fayetteville, AR)

Many women are interested in ways to predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their girlfriends or wives. The last four signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer. f the person has several of the other behaviors, say three or more, there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer..In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g.,extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially the batterer will try to explain his behavior as signs of his love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the woman.

Quick Involvement - Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. He may have come on like a whirl-wind, and said things like "you're the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone before". He needs someone desperately, and will pressure the woman to commit to him.

Jealousy - At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He will question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she'll meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

Controlling Behavior - At first the batterer will say that his behavior is because he's concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went, and who she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

Unrealistic Expectations - He is very dependent on the woman for all of his needs. He expects her to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend, He might say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need - you're all I need". She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.

Isolation - The man may try to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has male friends, she is a "whore",if she has female friends, she is a lesbian, if she is close to her family, she is "tied to the apron strings". He may accuse people who are supportive to her of "causing trouble", he may want to live in the country without family and friends near by. 

Past Battering - The man may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from the relatives or ex-spouse that the man is abusive. A batterer will beat any women he is with. Situational circumstances do not make an abusive personality. Threats of Violence - This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off", 'll kill you","I'll break your neck". Most men do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying "everybody talks like that". 

- This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The man may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around and/or throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is a remarkable behavior; only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them. 

Any Force During an Argument - This may involve a man holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The man may hold the woman against a waif and say, "you are going to listen to me!"